Mnemosyne, Be Gone!
By Sherald Mae E. Sanchez
What happened destroyed everything we had. And though some things can be repaired, the damage can never be undone. It’s easy to forgive… But to forget is an entirely different thing.
After what you did, everyday felt like torture. I was able to look but not really see. I was able to touch but not truly feel. I walked and I talked. I smiled and I waved. I did all the things I used to do but they didn’t feel the same. I tried to be myself again but I always failed. No matter how many more days I let pass, no matter how many more tears I refused to shed, nothing could bring things back to how they were. You changed me in a way that I didn’t want to be changed. You damaged me in a way that gave me the feeling that I was beyond repair; that the pain you caused would never go away.
Back then, I thought the world would stop turning. I thought the sun would lose its warmth and the moon its lovely shine. I thought I would never recover from the havoc you wreaked. But you know what, I did. I was able to smile again. I was able to see the beauty in the little flowers along the road and the way the leaves of the palm trees bowed. I was healing. I was living. I was starting to become me again.
Just when I thought I was back on track, fate had to trespass its way into my life. There was just no way out of it – I had to see you again. The moment of truth came and I willed myself to be strong. I entered the familiar yellow-walled structure. I was resolved to stay composed, to look calm, and to ignore the throbbing clamor that was reverberating inside. I walked slowly, determined to postpone the impending reunion. I waved to every recognizable face I encountered. I smiled as if there was nothing wrong, as if my hands weren’t as drenched as the Pacific, as if my heart wasn’t beating a hundred million times faster than normal.
It was in a room with pleasant white lights that I saw you. You were standing behind an old brown armchair. You stopped talking when you saw me come in. You stared at me, I stared back at you. You had the same deceiving eyes, the same petite form, the same feminine nose, the same regal stance, the same delightful smile… Your hair was up in a knot and you were the exact same person I came to adore and consider a friend all those years ago. And just for a moment, I had the strongest urge to take you into my arms. But then I remembered that you’re also the same person who put me through all those painful days, all those miserable moments, so I clenched my hands into fists and I crushed every waking desire, every yearning feeling to have you in my life again. I broke eye contact, found a good chair and sat silently on it.
The fateful day was coming to an end. Nothing eventful happened. You kept your distance from me as I knew you would… As I felt you should. I was talking to Rina while Via and the others laughed loudly in the background. I heard the door close and then there was deafening silence inside the room. Via came to Rina’s side and they both looked at me with hopeful eyes. I turned and then there you were. It wasn’t your presence that caught my attention. It was your hair. I didn’t notice it earlier because you fixed it up, but it’s shorter. I looked into your eyes and the usually deceiving brown orbs were pleading. I felt tears and then I knew…
Your hair changed. So did your eyes. Maybe, just maybe, you also changed. Maybe you weren’t the same person who hurt me… Maybe you wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Maybe there’s a chance… Maybe forgetting is possible.
